My biggest problem with food and my weight has always been that my portion sizes are far too big, but generally my meals are pretty healthy. Over the past year I've seen a massive change in the sweet side of my food intake. Once a teenager who didn't touch crisps, sweets and chocolate and sugar in tea was downright sacrilege, I've grown into a mid-20's adult who devours chocolate at every opportunity I can, there's at least two sugars in my tea and the biscuit tin is never far out of reach either. I'll be honest - for a good few weeks in February and March, my motivation to lose weight disappeared, not because I didn't want to lose weight anymore but because I just had other things on my mind. This meant that reaching for the chocolate hobnobs or choosing the quick fix of a takeaway when I'm tired tired to cook, saw a complete halt in my weight loss. I stayed the same for weeks, although I was happier to stay the same than see gains, especially the way I had been eating.
I'm one of those people whose very easily led to feel guilty by my size and love for food. But in a good way, the guilt I am often led to feel (and usually, guilt created by myself) pushes me to keep making the changes my body needs. I look at other girls my age on weight-loss journeys, and wonder why I can't get to my goals as quickly as they can. But I suppose that's the point - it's their goals, their bodies. Every individuals capabilities is different, especially where our bodies are concerned. I spent so, so long concentrating on other girls, other figures, other bodies, that for a time I completely forgot to notice or even love my own. It made me quite miserable, actually. But then I realised something. When you're on a journey like this it is incredibly easy to compare yourself to others, but what you have to remember is, no matter how much you compare yourself to someone else, you will never be like them. Every beautiful body on this planet is different, and even if I got down to the exact same weight as someone else, I wouldn't look like them. My body is my own, it has curves in the right places, lumps and bumps in all the wrong places. But it's my body, and whether it's at the size it was two stone ago when I started my journey, the size it is now or the size it will be when I get to goal, it's my body and I will love it regardless.
Over the past two weeks my attitude to food and what I am putting in my mouth, has massively changed. One thing which has definitely got me changing the way I approach food, is looking at where I'm going wrong. By not planning and/or preparing meals in advance, I'm left in limbo every evening of what to have for dinner. With food related TV shows making my hunger intense during the day, and finally delving into the silly amount of cookbooks I own in the evenings, I'm putting more thought and effort into what I want to eat and when. Over the last week I just decided each morning what I wanted for dinner, but this week I've drawn up a menu for myself from Monday through to next Sunday, which will hopefully help me stay on track and stop the urge to order takeaways when I'm being indecisive.
With the change in weather and more sunny, warm days, I'm going to start taking advantage of the beautiful Countryside on my doorstep. This week I've scheduled in half an hours walking a day. It's not much, and whether I'll do it every single day is another question altogether, but I want to do it. I want to be more active, I want to get to 'healthy' on my Weight Watchers pedometer every day and I want to give my body the fresh air and exercise it really bloody needs. It'll be slow going at first I'm sure, but seeing the incredible journey that Laura over at Superlatively Rude has taken, the massive accomplishments she's made both with her body and her lifestyle, well, I've got no excuses really, have I? This summer I graduate on my 26th birthday. It's going to be a pretty big day, and one I remember forever. When I graduate I want to feel as strong, powerful, sexy and downright awesome as Laura looks and feels, and I'm not going to sit around any longer waiting for it to come to me. This is one challenge I need to chase down and face head on - and it's following Laura's journey that has made me realise just how much this really is all down to me, and I am capable of getting where I want to be, no matter how hard it might look, or how far away that finish line might be.
I've also been thinking more about why I want to do this. Yes I've been unhappy with my body at this size and bigger, but overall I can't say I am one of those people whose weight has made them absolutely miserable. In school, when you're getting bullied for being the fat girl in class, of course it felt awful. But I finished school a decade ago and how I view myself and my body now that I identify with it, I've experienced more with it and learnt how to own every last damn curve of it, it doesn't make me feel bad. I feel like I 'need' to lose weight, but not because of others or the media, but because I want to prove to myself I can do it. I want to see what my body will look like when I'm smaller than I've ever been. I want to know what my shape is like underneath all this extra padding. I want to be the ugly duckling that blossoms into a beautiful swan, and you know, I think I just might.
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